


If I Had a Hammer, If I Had a Brush

by Rhyana



Category: X-Men/Trading Spaces
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-25
Updated: 2009-11-25
Packaged: 2017-10-03 17:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhyana/pseuds/Rhyana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crackfic. Jubilee sets up two couples for humiliation and home design as TLC's hit show Trading Spaces comes to the mansion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Had a Hammer, If I Had a Brush

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2001. My mother who decided the main bathroom needed an updated look after watching one to many episodes of Trading Spaces and its British counterpart, Changing Rooms. This is my response to the hilarity and pain caused by the bathroom makeover. Hilarity that she thought it could be done in just two days, and pain because I blew out my knee on the first day. This was never beta'd, so all mistakes are mine.

"Hey, move your butt. I wanna sit by my guy."

"Should have gotten here sooner, Sparky. Anyway, where's the remote?"

"Are you sure it's coming on today? I don't feel like sitting through this crap for a second week."

"Yeah, Johnny, I made sure it was on this week. The station said last week was a fluke." A familiar jingle starts coming from the television set. Jubilation Lee shushes everyone.

"Hey, kids, shuddup, willya? It's coming on. Kurt, you and the guys can play foosball later."

A motley introduction plays across the screen as the children of Mutant High settle in to watch the trials and tribulations of their favorite teachers unfold on TLC's most highly rated show.

"Exactly how did Dr. Grey, Mr. Summers, Miss Marie and Logan get conned into doing Trading Spaces?"

A chorus of voices answered, "Jubilee."

"Wha'? Shuddup please. It's coming on."

An annoyingly perky brunette pops up on the screen in front of the gates of the Xavier School of the Gifted.

"Hi and welcome to Trading Spaces, the show that allows neighbors to trade homes and redo a room in just two days. I'm your host, Paige Davis, and we are coming to you this week from Salem Center, New York, and a very special school for gifted students. We will be taking over the lives of three teachers and a college student who happen to live at the school." The students clap as Jean Grey and Scott Summers appear on the screen, staring lovingly into each other's eyes.

"Dr. Jean Grey and Scott Summers met at the school when she was visiting her alma mater and he was a senior. They have been a couple ever since. She teaches biology while he covers mathematics and shop." The screen cuts to Marie and Logan, who seem to be in the middle of a disagreement. Logan repeatedly points at the cameras while Marie tries not to laugh.

"Marie and Logan wouldn't give us their last names, for personal reasons, but seem to just as close as Jean and Scott. Logan wasn't too sure about what we had in mind for his room, but his ladylove finally talked him into it. They met in a secluded part of Canada four years ago, where she was a runaway and he was participating in bare-knuckle cage fights in small town bars. He now teaches self-defense and physical education while she goes to college." The scene again shifts, this time to three people playing in the lawn in front of the mansion. The two men are standing around talking while the titian-hair woman sits on a bench under a tree. Students can be seen in the background walking in the courtyard.

"The students of the school wrote in to tell us their teachers needed a little spice in their lives and living quarters. Helping us acquire the needed romance, we have employed our own lovebirds, Doug Wilson and Laurie Smith, along with that hunka, hunka burnin' love carpenter, Ty Pennington." The view shifts back to Paige.

"Now, we have a little problem with this week's locale. Both couples live at the school, and in rooms next to each other. We are going to have to keep a close eye on these guys this week." The camera shifts focus from Paige, whom the kids all agree is almost as bad as Magneto, who stands between Jean, Scott, Marie and Logan.

"Okay, we have tight quarters this week. I need you to promise you will not try to sneak a peek before time is up. You will have two days and a budget of $1,000 to transform your rooms. Jean and Scott, you'll be working with Laurie Smith. Marie and Logan, Doug Wilson is waiting for you. Now, do I have your word you will not try to cheat?" Jean, Scott and Marie all nod in agreement. Logan merely grunts.

"Now, Logan, you will not go back to your room, right?" Paige asks the glowering teacher.

"Girl, do you know who you are blathering to?" he responds. The perky host turns pale. Marie puts her glove-clad hand on Logan's arm and leans into him as she whispers in his ear. He scowls some more. Finally, he nods and she smiles sweetly. "Promise," he tells a scared Paige.

"All right, so here are the keys. Let's get started." The couples go into their respective rooms as Paige looks into the camera. "I hope they don't kill each other."

Logan's Room

The red-haired lady looks around the sparsely decorated room as Jean and Scott walk in. She smiles and shakes their hands.

"Hi, so good to see you again. I know what we talked about, but I'm not sure flowers and yellow would go well with that man's personality," Laurie says hurriedly. She apparently heard the brief encounter outside the door. "I'm now thinking dark and more woodsy. Greens, browns and blues. What do you think?" Scott smirks.

"Well, he may give the impression of being a hard ass, but Logan's really a sweet and gentle person whose room really doesn't reflect his true personality." Jean elbows her fiancée in the ribs.

"Uhhhhh, I don't think you can say hard ass on TLC, Scott," Laurie says.

"Plus, if you make this room all sunshine and roses, you know he'll remove your spleen without asking first." Jean warns him. Scott thinks about this for a moment before he nods.

"Nature it is then."

Scott and Jean's Room

A slightly effeminate man stands in the center of the room, shaking his head as he surveys the obviously poor taste of the residents.

"Plaid bed sheets with a patchwork quilt. Who are these people, Ozzie and Harriet?" he asks himself, unaware the camera is on and two people just walked into the room.

"More like Ozzie and Lucy, bub," a male voice interrupts his mental tsking. Doug jumps and turns to face this week's unwilling victims.

"Oh, hi there, I didn't here you come in. Ozzie and Lucy, huh? Straight- laced and slightly nutty? May explain the bedclothes. Okay, what do you want to do in here?" Marie pips up before Logan could give his very colorful description of what they could do in the geek's room.

"Well, they need some color on the walls. The fact they have no windows in here combined with the dark paneling makes this room dull. They need to update their furniture and they need some organization for their papers. I remember when Scott got our algebra tests mixed up with Jean's biology final. That was a fun day."

"I think it just needs to be brightened up a bit. Jeannie's not really into all this brown, even if Scooter is. There needs to be a combination of their personalities in this room. Plus, it just seems too damned small for them, with all this darkness. Maybe some lights?" Logan receives open mouths from his girlfriend and the designer, not to mention the viewers at home.

"What, I'm not all gloom and doom, y'know."

Logan's Room

"Okay, so we've decided they need some shelves for Marie's books, a display case for Logan's swords, some new bed sheets, some light in this tomb, I mean room, and maybe an entertainment center for the television. Anything else?"

"Flowers," Scott says with an evil grin. The two women apparently have already told the man no more than once, and just glare at him this time.

"All right, I have the paint here, that we are going to use on the walls and the furniture Ty will be putting together for us. Ready to take a look?" The trio bends down and Laurie opens the first can. A light sage green is revealed.

"That's for the bed. We are going to stain the furniture we make in a nice dark mahogany brown. Now for the walls." She peels the lid off the second can. A rich emerald greets them. "We are going to add a lot of light fixtures, lamps and candles to add light and a bit of romance to the room, so this green will not overpower the overall area. And for the bed sheets, we are going to make those and some pillow slips out of this satiny blue material I got for a steal."

Jean and Scott nod and ohhhh and awwww, as the students giggle at the screen. The tape goes into fast forward as the threesome clear out the room and lays out a drop sheet to protect Logan's carpet.

Jean and Scott's Room

The room is already cleared out and the designer is in the process of opening the first can of paint.

"I agree this room needs to brightened up. I'm going for a nice rose motif, since Jean apparently likes the color." Doug points to a beaten up old chair in one of the corners.

"That's Scott's chair," Logan informs the designer.

"Oh. Okay. Well, we are going to be reupholstering the chair anyway, in this nice, heavy damask I bought on sale in New York. Isn't it beautiful?" Marie smiles as she touches the rosy material. "The walls will be two shades darker than this material. What do you think, Logan?" The heavy- set man growls. "Ohhhh, 'kay. Let's get started painting. I need to go see Ty before Laurie steals that man away for the entire weekend." With a wink he's gone.

"Marie, what in the hell have you gotten me into?" Marie glances to the camera before looking at her boyfriend.

"What, you said you wanted to do something this weekend. Cheer up, this'll be fun."

"The paint is killin' my smellin' already, darlin'. I thought we had agreed to go up to the cabin." Marie glances at the camera again.

"Can we talk about this later, Logan. We've got company." Logan looks at the camera and shrugs.

"With the things they show on cable these days, I wouldn't be surprised if they hadn't heard about." A long beep covers what the man says before they cut back to Paige, who is looking slightly flustered.

"We've talked to Logan about his language and hopefully we won't have to edit any more of his stimulating conversation from this family program."

Ty's Workstation

Doug and Laurie arrive at the same time to Ty's bench. The carpenter has already been hard at work.

"Laurie, sweet cake, I've already finished about two of your fifty projects. Doug, sorry buddy, but looks like you're out of luck this week." The designer glares at the overly hormonal former model in his best quasi- Logan manner. "I'll get your two paltry side tables finished by two, sir." Ty says to Doug.

"Good. I'll see you at two." He walks back to the mansion. Laurie smiles at Ty.

"I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overloading you with too much. What did you get done with?" Ty shows her a display case and a small table. Paige walks up.

"You've got enough wood here to redesign ten rooms, Laurie. How did you afford so much?" Paige asks.

"My husband got me a good deal this week. I knew I was going to need to have a lot of things built, which costs a lot of money. My honey found me a great bargain on wood." Ty coughs and looks a little crestfallen. Paige looks at the carpenter.

"You have a lot on your plate today, Ty. Do you think your notorious procrastination will be your downfall?"

"Naw, I'll have everything done by deadline." He sneaks a quick peek at Laurie, who is currently looking at the table he finished.

"Ty, I'm taking the finished pieces so my team has a chance to varnish them. Thanks." The carpenter sadly watches the designer walk away, leaving him with the sickeningly animated hostess. She notices he's not as flirtatious as he normally would be in this situation.

"Ty, do I detect that you have a bit of a crush on Laurie?" she asks. Ty shakes his head but refuses to say any more. He goes back to cutting wood.

"Well, the teams seem to off to a good start. Logan and Marie seem to be settling into working on Scott and Jean's room. Laurie's team is working hard on their room. The only serious development seems to be from Ty, who not only has a bad reputation of leaving things to the last minute but has apparently developed a crush on Laurie Smith. I guess all the love in the air has spread to our crew. I wonder how that is going to affect the outcome of our show."

Logan's Room

The group has been hard at work. Ty has finished most of Laurie's projects, and Logan's walls are a nice green color. Laurie is instructing her crew on their homework for the night.

"Okay, guys, we've done a lot today. All I need you to do tonight is finish varnishing all these lovely pieces Ty built today, paint the bed in the sage I showed you, and do any touch-ups on the walls. I know I can count on you two." She grins and gives the twosome a big hug, then walks out the room. Scott sighs.

"Think recapturing Magneto would be any more difficult that all this painting?" he asks his fiancée. She smiles demurely.

"Not even half as tough." She looks up at the walls. "Think Logan's going to feel at home in all this green?"

"It'll be like he was back in the forest, babe."

Scott and Jean's Room

Things are going a bit, hairier, in the room next door. Pink paint is plastered to the big, bad Wolverine's hair, while handprints are strategically placed on certain body parts of Marie. It was quite clear what had occurred while Doug was talking to Ty. Doug does not look too pleased with his helpers.

"Hopefully you two have gotten your hormones under control," he scolds the duo. Logan mutters "like hell" under his breathe. Marie giggles. "Good. Now, the room is nearly done. Just need you to put another coat on the walls. You also need to paint with whatever is left, these two tables. Tomorrow, we'll finish with all the touch-ups and the sewing, which, Logan, I will need your help with. You are not going to get out of that, understand?" Logan's hand twitches, and the students know he was close to giving the designer a claw or two.

"I'm going to leave you to it, then. Just remember, no hanky panky until you have finished your homework. Good night."

Day Two

Paige is playing on the basketball court with a few of the students. She stops and looks at the camera as Sam Guthrie quickly steals the ball. She laughs at the gangly boy as he makes a shot.

"The kids here are really happy. Just don't know how happy their teachers are going to be when Doug and Laurie get done with them. I can safely say the two couples did finish their homework. However, some interesting. redecoration has occurred in Jean and Scott's room sometime during the night."

Scott and Jean's Room

Doug comes into the room and drops his fabric. A big gash has appeared in the center of the freshly painted wall. He faints dead away.

"Guess he doesn't like the distressed look, huh, honey?" Marie asks her partner in crime. Logan smiles and shrugs, and goes back to touching up some of the paint on the ceiling.

Paige steps delicately over the prone man and looks at the gaping hole and then the teachers.

"What happened there?" she shrieks, pointing at the hole. Logan grins evilly.

"You really do not want to know," the big man says.

"What about Doug?"

"Bathroom is over there. Cold water should do the trick." Marie glares at Logan. He sighs and goes the get the cold water. Some of the viewers question the resident rebel's manhood after he comes out with a glass. One splash later, the decorator is glaring at his duo. They all stand there for the longest time without saying anything. Doug finally breaks the silence.

"I guess the hole can be covered by the headboard until someone can fix it."

Logan's Room

Laurie arrives to the sweet sounds of an argument. The couple seems to have misunderstood some of her instructions and the bed remains unpainted.

"What's going on here? This bed should be a nice sage color this morning," she tells them. Jean looks a little guilty.

"The sage was used on the tables I'm afraid," the doctor states. Laurie blanches delicately.

"The tables?" Jean and Scott nod. "Is there enough for the bed?" They shake their heads. Laurie sighs. "Well, I guess the bed can be varnished, then." Scott smiles.

"We finished that early this morning. It should be dry right about now."

Home Education Classroom

"Boy, I wish every week we did a room for a school," Doug tells Marie and Logan. The latter is glowering now. "With the three of us and all these sewing machines, these projects should be a snap. Hopefully, we'll actually get done with time to spare."

"I ain't gonna touch one of those. things," Logan finally tells the man who has tortured him for the past day. Doug sighs and takes the Wolverine by the hand.

"Logan, I know this doesn't seem to be the most manliest of things to do, but really, what will it hurt?"

"Turn off the cameras," Logan orders. Doug looks at him in confusion. "I ain't gonna touch those things until the cameras are off. And if I find out footage of my humiliation gets out, I'm gonna do some hunting. Clear?" Doug gulps and nods. The screen goes black.

Paige appears after a few seconds.

"Just to let the viewers at home know, Logan was just kidding. He did finish his part of the sewing after we convinced him we were not taping. However, we did have the PaigeCam take a few shots. That footage has, unfortunately, met a cruel and untimely end. Logan proved he wasn't cut out for sewing, so Doug sent him to complete the lamps for the room. I on the other hand went hunting for a new PaigeCam."

HE Classroom, 2 Hours Later

Laurie, Jean and Scott have already started working on the sewing portion of their projects when Paige walks in with her brand new PaigeCam.

"So, Scott, how do you feel about sewing?" the hostess asks. The teacher smiles into the camera.

"Well, I'd prefer to be playing with my bike, but it isn't so bad once you get into a rhythm," he answers truthfully. He also pricks his finger twelve times as he pulls stickpins along the hemline.

The screen starts to fast-forward as both teams finish up their rooms. Marie is seen falling over a few times, laughing. Jean and Scott struggle to rearrange everything in Logan's room.

Paige is sitting on a bench beside the pond in the school's garden.

"Times up. Will Scott and Jean appreciate their rose-colored love nest?" The scene changes to a bright and airy room, bursting in pink and flowers. "Will Logan and Marie feel natural in their 'back to the forest' romper room?" Fade in to a green paradise.

"We'll find out right after these messages."

"They'll love it," Jubilee says to her classmates. "They have to."

"If they don't, babe, you owe the seniors a dare," St. John tells her girlfriend, reminding her of the bet they made after learning the television show had selected Jubes' letter.

"Hush, you two, it's down to the finally ten minutes," Kitty silences her friends.

Doug's Interview

Paige and Doug sit on the bed and look around.

"So, Doug, where did you come up with the inspiration for this room?"

"Well, the paint scheme was inspired by the chair Scott had in here, which we recovered. All the pieces were here, but we had Ty make the side tables, which we varnished. I have to admit it turned out great. The room is just what I imagined it would be, except for the gaping hole in the wall." Paige giggles.

"Yeah, that was a surprise. Logan has said he will fix it sometime soon. Let's take a look before and after."

"Yes, he was an interesting person to work with. I couldn't really tell why that girl wants to be with a big bruising brute like that man."

The scenes flash by as Logan and Marie can be seen working on the room. Finally it refocuses on Paige, who has Scott and Jean by the hand in their room.

"You two have your eyes closed?" Both nod. Paige waves her hand in front of Scott's sunglasses. "Well, are you ready to see what Logan and Marie have done to your room?" Scott gurgles a bit and then nods. Jean has a serene smile on her face. "Okay, open your eyes."

Jean opens and closes her mouth a few times before she starts laughing. The room is pink from floor to ceiling. The new lamps really brighten it up, allowing the couple to take in the entire pinkness of the living space.

"It sure is. pink," Scott comments. Paige is gripping his arm and pointing out different things. Jean continues to laugh. Paige finally asks her what was so funny.

"A red-head in a pink room," Jean finally says, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I hate beep pink." Scott nods.

"The room is nice and all, but we both really do not like pink. This is like being in a room of Pipto." The students watching the show nod in agreement. "It's nice and all, but I think we'll be changing the color. I like the lamps."

Before the scene changes to Paige and Laurie, the audience can hear Jean asking, "What's with the hole in the wall?"

Paige talks to Laurie

"Well, the room looks great, Laurie. As usual. Where did you get the ideas?" Laurie looks around.

"Well. the room needed a lot of light, so we took it from there. Scott was a real character, trying to get me to paint the room yellow and add flowers. After getting a good look at the man who lives here, I decided a more earthy feel was necessary. I noticed he had a lot of weapons, so I decided he needed a display case for that. And with Marie being in college, I decided a bookcase would be needed. The paint was unfortunately used on everything but the bed, but that's okay. I think it turned out great."

Paige looks over her shoulder at the beanbag chairs on the floor.

"And what about those? They're more in line with some of Doug's more creative designs."

"Well, I thought they probably would like to sit in front of the fire some, and I used most of my budget this week on fabric and wood. Did you notice we also built them a desk? Any way, I couldn't afford chairs, so I went with beanbags."

The scenes change as they did with Marie and Logan, only this time the viewers watch Jean and Scott work. Paige brings in a nervous-looking Marie and a scowling Logan.

"It's been two days. Let's see how you like the forest. Open your eyes." The twosome blink a couple of times, eyes adjusting to the low light. Marie sighs and smiles, Logan merely looks bored.

"Look at the bookcases. And the display case. Logan, they've made a case for all your weapons!" Logan grunts. Marie smiles and giggles. "It's great."

Paige looks at the man whose arm she is holding. "Logan, do you like it?"

Eyebrow lifts and he nods. "Very... rustic. Nice. I hate the beanbags, though." Before he can say anymore, Jean and Scott walk into the room. Scott looks a little nervous while Jean commanders Marie. The two women begin to compare notes as their mates just stare stonily at each other.

"Well, that's it for this episode. Thanks to Jean and Scott, Logan and Marie, as well as Charles Xavier and his school for the gifted. I'm Paige Davis, and for Laurie Smith, Doug Wilson and Ty Pennington, bye."

Three Weeks Later

"I don't care, Jubes, you made the bet. You're sticking to it." Kitty Pryde pushes her friend to the Summers' bedroom. Scott opens the door and gives the girl an evil smile. He ushers her inside, handing a brush and a can of paint.

"That's the new color. You have two days to transform this room from a pink hell to something more pleasant. Logan is in charge. Enjoy."

The young woman groans and starts painting. Scott leaves the door open and rushes outside to meet his wife, who is waiting on in the convertible.

"Jubilee starting?"

"Oh, yeah. Logan is overseeing her progress. Hopefully when we get back from the cabin... no more rose. I chose gray." Jean smiles as they pull away.

"Good choice."

The End


End file.
